A few years ago, I dropped by the church of a colleague for a coffee. We talked for about an hour, but for nearly the whole time, he talked about himself, his church, his family, his life. Right at the very end, when it was obvious I was getting ready to leave, he asked me, “How are things with you?” I responded with a few brief sentences, and then I went on my way.

I found that visit to be very unfulfilling, and although I passed by the church often, and although I saw my colleague’s vehicle parked there, I didn’t often stop by. When I did, it was more of the same. This happened some years ago, and although I sensed something was wrong, I couldn’t identify what it was. It wasn’t until several years later that someone helped me understand: my colleague was a narcissist.

The word, narcissist, comes from Greek mythology. Sometimes we find ancient stories that show remarkable perception about the human condition. In Greek mythology, there is a story of a baby who was named Narcissus. His mother was told at his birth that he would live a long life as long as he didn’t start to think about himself. Narcissus grew up to be a very handsome man, and it happened one day that he looked into a pool of water and saw his reflection, and he fell in love with himself, so much so, that he could not look away. He longed to have a relationship with the person he saw in the water, but it is as impossible to have a relationship with a reflection as it is to have a relationship with oneself. Because he could not bear to stop looking at himself, all relationships with others were cut off, and, depending on the account, he either pined away or he died of starvation. The point of the Greek myth is this: Narcissism results in self-isolation, and although it may not shorten life, it makes life less rewarding and meaningful.

There is a certain segment of the population that suffers from an identifiable narcissistic disorder, and while most of us do not have that disorder, it is also true that we might have narcissistic tendencies. In other words, we are prone to thinking about ourselves more than others, and if we become too self-focused, our relationships decline, and we are left alone.

My colleague, it turned out, had other problems that led to narcissism. He had been abused as a child and when he became an adult, he turned to alcohol to deaden the pain. Through life events, he had become incapable of looking beyond himself to others, and, thus, his conversations were one-sided. His narcissistic tendencies caused isolation, and it wasn’t until he dealt with some of his problems that he was able to look beyond himself again.

Narcissism is a sin, and it is a sin of which we are all guilty, to one extent or another. When we become so self-focused that we cannot see others, we are sinning. Sadly, it’s one of those sins that is not easily detected by the sinner. It’s not like murder or theft which are very easy to identify, especially by the sinner. Rather, when we act on our narcissistic impulses, we rarely notice it. I am quite certain that my colleague had no idea that he spent nearly our entire time together talking about himself. For him, it would have been a rather satisfying hour. I, however, noticed it, and my time with him was disappointing.

God created us to live in community with each other. When God declared in Genesis 2 that it was not good for man to be alone, thus creating a wife for him, God was not only creating marriage; he was also creating community. We are not meant to be alone, isolated from each other. We are meant to enjoy each other’s company, and the only way for that to happen is if we have reciprocal relationships with each other. Like Narcissus who looked only at himself, our own narcissism isolates us from others. This is not the way that God created us to be. Extreme narcissism results in self-imposed solitary confinement; it sucks the life out of us.

How do we solve the problem of our narcissistic tendencies? We simply follow Jesus’ second great commandment to love each other. To love another person entails that we first know what they need, for love is not merely an emotion; love is experienced in action. Another person cannot know that we love them if we don’t show that love in action, but we won’t think of what to do unless we first hear what they need. Narcissism, thus, not only results in the isolation of the narcissist; it results in the failure to love others, a violation of Jesus’ very clear command.

Since my experience with my colleague, I have met a few people who are very high on the narcissistic scale. For whatever reason, they can only think of themselves, refusing to look away from their own reflection to see others. They are dying, but so is the community around them. Perhaps narcissism is a little like carbon monoxide, the silent killer that is nearly undetectable. But the upside is this: unless we are certifiably narcissistic (and most of us are not), we can fight against this sin by making a point to listen to others, ask questions about their lives, and then find ways to love them. If we are busy caring for others, we minimize the time we have to think about ourselves.

Greek mythology is sometimes perceptive about human nature and in the case of Narcissus, it certainly is. But Greek mythology does not offer a solution, for there was no hope for Narcissus. For the believer who seeks to do God’s will, however, there is hope. Not only does the Holy Spirit turn our attention to God (and away from ourselves), as we submit ourselves to him, he turns us away from ourselves to others so that we can love them and so recreate the community that narcissism is destroying.